Getting Kids To Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling

Sunday, May 23, 2021

We watched this parenting webinar online earlier this year and it has been so helpful as our kids grow into teenagers. As parents we need to continue to learn, grow, and change as the kids grow and change.

Parent's Crazy cycle:

As parents, we often ask -> Repeat -> Remind -> Yelling

What are your battles:

1. Homework/ Chores, unwillingness to listen and learn

2. Backtalk/ defiance

3. Delaying on doing works/ turning off their devices.

Behavior is not random. There is always reasons for behavior.

Kids have a longing for attention and power. Many kids act out when they don't get enough attention/ love and power/ respect/ independent/ control. 

Kids only continue the behavior that works for them. Kids pushing back in order to gain some power.

Human being are born with Free Will. It means it's always their choice to obey or not.

Most parents use time out, counting 1, 2, 3 but this strategies doesn't work with a strong will kids and they will fight back. 

Punishment and discipline are totally different animals. 

Punishment cause the child to feel: blame, shame, or pain. The child natural reaction will be defensive and lie.

Discipline teaches kids to make better choice in the future

No Yelling Discipline Strategies:

Our personalities play a huge role in power struggles. Take a note when your personalities trigger your kids response?

The more we want things done our ways; the more kids fight back. 

If we simply stop responding with emotion, we are solving 50% of the power struggle.

5R's of Consequences for kids 3 to teens:

1. The consequences must be Respectful. If you can't deal with the problem in respectful moment or when you are angry and resentful, wait or don't do it immediately.

2. The consequences must be Related to the misbehavior. For example: if one doesn't want to brush teeth, he/ she can't eat sugary food like ice cream/ snacks. For older kids: when not turning off the device on time, he/ she can't play the next day. Your kids don't have to like the consequence but it must feel fair. Otherwise, the kids won't feel not fair or justify in their behavior/ anger and shut down

3. Consequences must be Reasonable in duration.

4. Revealed in advance so the child can make a choice, when every body in good mood.

5. Have the child repeat back if he/ she chose not to follow that rule. 

How to talk:
Use: I've noticed... not "you never" or "you always"
In the future, I expect that...
Technology is a privilege not right
I am sure we won't have an issue with this just to make sure we are in the same page; 
Can you tell me our new rule? -> have them to repeat back. 
If he/ she won't repeat back, that means you have power struggle in your hands.
She gets to choose whether she gets to keep her video privileges. 
At the time when the kids breach the rule, watch for your tone whether it is blame, shame, or pain.

Implement consequences with respect:
"I see you CHOSE to lose your computer privileges, but it's learning opportunities. I trust you'll make better choice next time." Let them learn from that and not blame, shame, or pain them.