Physical Intimacy in Courtship

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Below is the outline of my sharing to the ladies on Youth Fellowship last Friday.
It doesn't include our own personal stories or others' stories. We had a blessed time.
The last time I did sharing like this was last year on Mother's Day. Fiuh... I don't know how Winny, Santi, or the pastors do it so often. Once a year is enough for me. :D

· Courtship: the time when you begin to date a person exclusively, frequently, and with the purpose of determining if he/ she is the one with whom you truly want to spend the rest of your life with. It’s time for evaluating consistency and for deepening communication.

· Why we struggle with it?

Genesis 2:21-25

“So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man...”For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

God made man and woman to be sexual creature. Sex was God’s idea.

However, God also gives some clear guidelines:

a. Sex was made for marriage.

Exodus 20:14; Proverbs 5-7; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; 1 Corinthians 7:1-9; Ephesians 5:3-5

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4

b. Sex was created for procreation and pleasure.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” Genesis 1:27-28

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

· If sex is good - Why wait then?

The story of John & Susan (not real names)

2 Samuel 13:1-19 is a painful story of rape, but note the reaction of the man who got what he wanted. After his sexual thirst was quenched, what was his response toward the woman for whom he lusted? How did he feel toward the woman? Why?

The enemy wants you to believe that if you wait to have sex, you miss out on some of the delights of life. God does not intend to deny you pleasure. He intended for you to enjoy the fulfillment and pleasure of sex within marriage only. The wonder and joy of this intimate act is maximized through purity before marriage.

· God wants you to be a Lady of Purity because He wants to protect you from the consequences that sex before marriage brings:

a. Physical
Christmas gift. Each woman receives one “first time.” God desires for your precious gift to be given to a committed lover who will cherish, keep, and protect you in marriage. Song of Solomon 8:4 “Do not awaken love until the time is right.” (NLT)

God also wants to protect you from sexually transmitted diseases that could affect not only you, but also your future husband and children.

God also desires to shield you from an unwanted pregnancy. A rushed marriage, adoption, or abortion only complicates the consequences.

b. Emotional
A woman cannot separate her emotions from her physical state. The man who touches your body, also touches your emotions.

We can be fully forgiven and cleansed by Christ, but damaged emotions take time to heal.

The Lord doesn’t want us to suffer these hurts. That’s why He sets loving limit on our physical relationships and emotional attachments.

c. Relational

Sometimes physical contact distracts a couple from having a deep and meaningful communication.

When a couple becomes involved sexually before marriage, they rationalize saying that they will marry anyway, so it doesn’t matter but if a young man can’t wait ‘till marriage what makes you think he will choose to remain faithful when he is faced with temptation after he’s married?

What will you say if your future children when they ask the question “Did you and Dad wait?”

d. Spiritual
A person will feel spiritual pain and separation from God when engaging in sex outside marriage, but may not even realize how spiritually beneficial and unifying sex is within marriage.

God does not intend to deny you pleasure. He protects you so you might enjoy physical health, emotional stability, relational intimacy, and spiritual blessings.

· Some ways to guard the treasure: Only by Holy Spirit power and grace we can learn to say no to ungodliness.

1. Guard Your Heart “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Don’t let our heart be given away too easily. If a man says he loves you, you don’t have to echo the phrase. Make a commitment to say you love someone only if you love him with a committed love, not a casual love feeling.

What is love? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

2. Be very careful about what we put in our minds/ what we allow ourselves to read (novel, magazine, internet, etc), hear (other people’s opinion, music), and see (movie/ TV shows).

Garbage in garbage out.

Ask ourselves these questions:

a. Is this causing me making me discontent with my current situation?
b. Is this drawing towards me or away from my Heavenly Father?

“If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.” Matthew 18:8-10

3. Help your men. Adopt a modesty standard: not too short, tight, transparent, revealing. We ought to joyfully seeking to honor God in the way we dress.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

I am not loving my brothers in Christ (or their wives) if I dress in a way that is likely to cause them to stumble.

4. Let him lead – Genesis 2:20-21 “So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God ….”

God created us to be a suitable helper

5. Set high standard & be specific! – Make your decisions and choices about what you will and will not do when you’re in courtship before things become hot and heavy. For example:

I will date only growing Christian man.
I will be concentrate on friendship and get to know each other not romance
We will not take our clothes of in front of each other.
We will not spend time alone in a bed room
We will not lay down in a bed/ sofa together.
We’ll spend time to pray together before dating
I will save all my kisses for my future husband. A kiss starts physical contact and once you get started it’s hard to turn back from passion. Better be extreme and safe than sorry.

Think, “if I have a daughter, do I want her to do this…”

Good in bed does not mean that you need to be an expert on your first night – it is absolutely acceptable to take is slow with some warms up.

6. Study, Meditate On, and Memorize God’s Word
“How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your Word… I have hidden your Word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:9-11

7. Be accountable to someone who is more mature in their walk with Christ.

8. Focus on honest communication though it can be difficult and threatening, it is critical to the success of any marriage. Dig deep. Get to know your boyfriend/ girlfriend. ( future hopes & dreams, expectations, be true to yourself, hones, & transparent. – but don’t share too much too soon)

“Your life has an influence on those around you as well. Your spouse and your children are profoundly affected by your choices. Your coworkers, your neighbors, and your friends will all be impacted by your life. As the world tries to persuade people to follow its standard, your life should stand in stark contrast as an example of a righteous person. Your life should convince those around you of the wisdom of following God. Do not underestimate the positive effect that your obedience will have upon those close to you.” Henry Blackaby from Experiencing God Daily Devotion

Recommended Resources:
Carolyn Mahaney message titled: Being Pure:
Let me be a woman by Elizabeth Elliot
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
I kissed dating goodbye
Boys Meet Girls
Ladies in Waiting
Hedges – formerly Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It