Twelve Things I Would Tell My Newlywed Self

Monday, May 26, 2014

We don't have a perfect marriage, we are not perfect after all but by God's grace, we are standing side by side with more love, respect, understanding, appreciation, and passion for each other than we ever been after 12 years of marriages. Like a good wine, good marriage does get better with age.

Twelve Things I Would Tell My Newlywed Self:

1. Mind your expectation.  "Sometimes we get disillusioned because of our own unreasonable or unrealistic expectation. It may not be that our mates are doing something wrong; it's simply that we expect too much in some areas. Our expectation must be met in God alone, and then we will have the right perspective to ask God for the grace we need to respond to others." Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Each man has different strength and weaknesses. My husband maybe handy, can cook, and all, but he has weaknesses too. He is a perfectionist and for years I feel like I am not measured up to his standard. On the other hand, I maybe good at managing money, being creative, and so on, but I am also very good at procrastinating and being flexible with time, which drive him crazy.

Both of us are working on our weaknesses and as iron sharpen iron we are helping each other in to grow in our character. The sooner we accept the fact that there is no perfect person, the better off our relationship would be.

2. Be kind with my words. "A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day". I didn't say that Solomon did. He also wrote "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Ouch.

3. Respect him; his judgement, his abilities, in our assumptions, in private and in public. Michael Hyatt wrote a great post titled Why Speaking Well of Your Spouse Is So Important.

 4. "Seek first to understand, then being understood," wrote Steve Covey in his famous book Seven Habit of Highly Effective People. I think we ought to go a little further, "Seek first to serve than expecting to be served." Ask: "How can I help you?". And when he does help; Let him do things his way whether it is about dealing with the kids, finding parking spot, or doing the dishes {I am still learning this}. My dad used to say to my mom when she start making suggestion about how or where he should drive, "Am I driving or you?" Chris and I occasionally used that phrase to each other, whenever one of us gives unnecessary suggestion. :)
5. Appreciate what he does. Learning each other love languages is good but as Christians, we ought to go beyond pleasing each other but focus on pursuing God and His Words and let His love flow through us.

6. After having kids, continue to nurture and water your marriage. Every couple is different. For us, it is being out in the nature, writing love letters, or talking past our bed time. For others maybe romantic dinner, exercising, or watching movies together. Do what works for you!

7. Take time to take care of yourself and do what you love or fill you up. For me reading, writing, and sewing is my creative outlet and I am thankful that my husband understands and has been supportive. For some it maybe exercising, crafting, volunteering, gardening, working on your business, and so on.

8. Flirt with each other often. One thing I did after having two kids: I often be the one who initiate the ahem. Why? Because as one writer {I forgot who unfortunately} wrote, "men are like a microwave that can be turned on in a second while women are like crock pot, who takes a long time to warm up." So I just make thing easier for him rather than him guessing if I am on the mood, not too tired, don't have too much thing on my to do list and so on. It has revolutionized our marriage. Give it a try! :))

9. Many people said communication is the key. I agree. He can't read my complicated mind so I have to learn to communicate how I feel, what I think, my preferences, and so on. I cannot just expect or assume he knows.

10. Learn to not get easily offended and laugh. Laughter is good for the soul" as the saying goes. Smile! "A cheerful heart is good medicine."Proverbs 17:22 "

11. Do whatever necessary to guard our marriage.
12. Pray for him often.

More resources:
My favorite marriage conference: Weekend to Remember. You can enter our group code: giisj to get a discount.
Great read: For Women Only
Francis Chan's Building a Christ-Centered Marriage Series
Andy Stanley' Staying in Love series
Michaek Hyatt Podcast: 4 commitments  for Building a Successful, Long Term Marriage
List of my favorite marriage books

Feel free to chime in the comments if you have anything else to add

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links


  1. Happy anniversary, Kiki and Chris! You guys are the best neighbors we could ask for!

  2. As usual, great write! !! Thanks for sharing :)